Serenly Chaotic Musings - I

Just a thought ...

Hope. It's a dangerous thing.
It makes you live that moment. It makes you go that extra mile. It makes you breathe a little deeper. It all sounds good and positive. Right?
NOOOOO!
It settles so deep within you, without informing you that it attacks the very core of your existence.
It makes you live that moment and hence prevents you from looking at the future prospectives. It makes you go that extra mile but prevents you from looking sideways or exploring new avenues. It makes you breathe deeper which slowly turn heavier and hence stench of stagnation.
It prevents you from moving on.

It's a creepy thought but that is the creepy nature of hope. It's that eery light that shines in dark and attracts you towards itself only to enslave you. If not handled timely or tamed in the right manner, you'll either have to exorcise it out of you or it'll leave you there - down, lifeless - with no deep breathing, just mechanical survival.

Untitled

And I think my life is so messed up! I feel I have all the issues in life, I'm the one who is confused all the time and I'm the one who doesn't have answers to so many questions around and within.

She had been working at our place since I was in school, maybe 10 years or more. I remember she went to her village in Bengal once and came back after 1.5 years. She lost all the work here in that time and came to our place to ask if she can join back and my mum agreed immediately. Well, in that 1.5 years, we changed 2 or 3 maids and mum's frequency couldn't match with any one of them. Being a working lady, my mum is very precise about time and always wants things to be done properly otherwise she would do it herself. Yesterday also, mum scolded her for being late and careless in work. That is when she told her the reason for her disturbed state.

She had hardly seen four years of her life and the sparkle in her eyes always longed for more. She often came to our place with her grandma and my mum gave her chocolates. It was this daughter of her for whose marriage our maid had gone for a year and a half and now her daughter's daughter would come and play in water at our place. I don't know why they were here and why she wasn't with her husband. Maybe, my mum knows about it. She shared everything about her life with my mum, they chit chatted like old friends, many times disturbing my Sunday morning sleeps.  I don't know how mum understood what she spoke. I never managed to give her detergent in one go with her Hindi accent. Yesterday morning too, as I was rushing to office, all I could catch was 'All my four daughters are beautiful' and I guessed she's talking of her youngest girl who ran with a guy she loved.

A few days back, they had shifted to a new place and her granddaughter went to her 'bhaiyya' in the next house to watch TV. The little girl's mother was busy with her daily chores when she heard her cry. That is when she discovered that her sparkle had been raped by her 17 year old 'bhaiyya'.
This is what my mum told me after I came late from a tiring day at office, having forgotten about the morning incident. This is why the lady was saying that all my daughters are beautiful and so is my grand daughter. But what is her fault in this! What did she do to get this!

They searched the boy for two days and now he's behind bars and his family is requesting them to save his son. But our maid is firm that he should be punished and as I'm told her entire society is with her. It was also covered in yesterday's local media - a small column, easily ignored!

The little girl doesn't know what happened with her. Maybe 10 years from now, she won't even remember about it and maybe her family won't tell her about it. But I'm sure, somewhere down the line she can feel that something wrong had happened and it'll be with her for life - aware or unaware of the incident. No, she couldn't have 'provoked' the guy. No, she wasn't dressed provocatively. No, she didn't insult the guy to hurt his ego. Then why?
And dude, I understand you are exploring your youth and sexuality. I understand your hormones turn you on at odd times or maybe all the time. I cannot call you frustrated but yes you must be desperate to experiment. Hello! Why the kid! You've got your own fucking hands and the device to experiment with. Why exploit the kid or anyone for that matter! Get yourself wasted somewhere instead of wasting an innocent life!

I waited a day for my emotions to settle a bit before writing this post, hoping that I'd get a better insight into it, but they wouldn't. I don't know it's anger on being human or despair at the helplessness of society or mere unanswered questions that make me share this incident. Yes, my life is still messed up and I still feel I'm the most confused person on this planet and I still have questions. And this incident has intensified it all, just that it broadened the frame of reference from my self centered world.

Fallout

He could feel it precisely, on his skin, between his palm and his cheek. He had unconsciously rubbed his hand over his face, two hours in front of his desktop and he didn't realise. It wasn't the work load or difficulty of the task but was the trust of his boss.
He bent a little to the left to glance at the distant window, half covered with shades, the only source of natural light in that brightly lit room. He knew what was the sensation about. No, it wasn't the wet touch, of the order the window pane might be sensing. Neither did he feel dry and blunt like every other day. It was that moisture on his skin and he could feel it penetrating deeper.
How did it get in here? It was sealed, air conditioned at 20 degrees room or rather entire floor. It had rained heavily and he didn't know for how long. It left its marks everywhere outside but how did it get on his skin. He suddenly felt his pulse rate falling. It got in through some unknown little crevices and sat right on top of his skin. That wasn't just moisture, it was damp, it was stingy. It had crept all the way inside and overpowered everything. How??!!!
He had been caught off guard and he felt naked. Nothing was safe, he wasn't safe. His own might was confronting him now.