Holding The Pen

"Life is what happens to you when you are busy planning life." 

Read this some days back and it stayed with me. This is so true in nature, and more now than ever. Now, when the entire world has been confined to four walls and has been fed the thought that they are actually helping save the world that way. It is now that we all have time to go back to our years, to look deep into selves, to explore what lies buried in past or all that was left in the middle or incomplete by us at the pretext of time. Time is all we have now, more than ever. Hence, it is now that I too have come back to this dormant space which I never wanted to leave in the first place, which I wanted to make my life and move ahead with but then again, left it at the pretext of time. Time is what I did not have back then, or so I thought. 

This blog that I started 12 years back now serves as a journal and takes me back to all the thoughts I had and have evolved over time. How I find the last post (which was about 5 years back) pretty dark and negative now and acknowledge the fact that that year was the biggest trough I have seen in the three decades of my life. Time acts in strange ways to modify our feelings and evolve them into better or worse? We will see in another 12 years maybe? 

Now that we are looking into the eye of a possible apocalypse, it is easy to become philosophical and ponder over the so called positives and negatives. And hence, in this time of easy pondering I think about the seven virtues and sins that are so widely known. And one thing, that I have known for ever and hence only intensified with time is that the deadly sin I possess is of 'sloth'. I am a PROCRASTINATOR.  Full Stop. Now that the confession has been made, it was not much a confession at all considering the few of the fewest posts I have made over twelve years on this blog. But, and I like the sound of 'but' here, what makes it different is that with this confession I plan to go public and ensure that I fight hard against it. That the monster who has been feeding on me for years needs to go now,even though it feels like a pet dragon now. The comfort of its presence and the short term pleasures are easy giveaways but I pledge to fight it. And to add to this, I am fully aware how sluggish or pathetic this sounds, pledging and promising and to fight against self. All that makes me do is that I feel determined at this hour and wish to channelise it with the hope (and here I contradict my definition of hope that was mentioned in previous post) that this seed will bloom into something pleasant after a while. With a plethora of thoughts storming my head and with the historic time we all are into, I feel this blog finally is about to take its shape. 

Serenly Chaotic Musings - I

Just a thought ...

Hope. It's a dangerous thing.
It makes you live that moment. It makes you go that extra mile. It makes you breathe a little deeper. It all sounds good and positive. Right?
NOOOOO!
It settles so deep within you, without informing you that it attacks the very core of your existence.
It makes you live that moment and hence prevents you from looking at the future prospectives. It makes you go that extra mile but prevents you from looking sideways or exploring new avenues. It makes you breathe deeper which slowly turn heavier and hence stench of stagnation.
It prevents you from moving on.

It's a creepy thought but that is the creepy nature of hope. It's that eery light that shines in dark and attracts you towards itself only to enslave you. If not handled timely or tamed in the right manner, you'll either have to exorcise it out of you or it'll leave you there - down, lifeless - with no deep breathing, just mechanical survival.

Untitled

And I think my life is so messed up! I feel I have all the issues in life, I'm the one who is confused all the time and I'm the one who doesn't have answers to so many questions around and within.

She had been working at our place since I was in school, maybe 10 years or more. I remember she went to her village in Bengal once and came back after 1.5 years. She lost all the work here in that time and came to our place to ask if she can join back and my mum agreed immediately. Well, in that 1.5 years, we changed 2 or 3 maids and mum's frequency couldn't match with any one of them. Being a working lady, my mum is very precise about time and always wants things to be done properly otherwise she would do it herself. Yesterday also, mum scolded her for being late and careless in work. That is when she told her the reason for her disturbed state.

She had hardly seen four years of her life and the sparkle in her eyes always longed for more. She often came to our place with her grandma and my mum gave her chocolates. It was this daughter of her for whose marriage our maid had gone for a year and a half and now her daughter's daughter would come and play in water at our place. I don't know why they were here and why she wasn't with her husband. Maybe, my mum knows about it. She shared everything about her life with my mum, they chit chatted like old friends, many times disturbing my Sunday morning sleeps.  I don't know how mum understood what she spoke. I never managed to give her detergent in one go with her Hindi accent. Yesterday morning too, as I was rushing to office, all I could catch was 'All my four daughters are beautiful' and I guessed she's talking of her youngest girl who ran with a guy she loved.

A few days back, they had shifted to a new place and her granddaughter went to her 'bhaiyya' in the next house to watch TV. The little girl's mother was busy with her daily chores when she heard her cry. That is when she discovered that her sparkle had been raped by her 17 year old 'bhaiyya'.
This is what my mum told me after I came late from a tiring day at office, having forgotten about the morning incident. This is why the lady was saying that all my daughters are beautiful and so is my grand daughter. But what is her fault in this! What did she do to get this!

They searched the boy for two days and now he's behind bars and his family is requesting them to save his son. But our maid is firm that he should be punished and as I'm told her entire society is with her. It was also covered in yesterday's local media - a small column, easily ignored!

The little girl doesn't know what happened with her. Maybe 10 years from now, she won't even remember about it and maybe her family won't tell her about it. But I'm sure, somewhere down the line she can feel that something wrong had happened and it'll be with her for life - aware or unaware of the incident. No, she couldn't have 'provoked' the guy. No, she wasn't dressed provocatively. No, she didn't insult the guy to hurt his ego. Then why?
And dude, I understand you are exploring your youth and sexuality. I understand your hormones turn you on at odd times or maybe all the time. I cannot call you frustrated but yes you must be desperate to experiment. Hello! Why the kid! You've got your own fucking hands and the device to experiment with. Why exploit the kid or anyone for that matter! Get yourself wasted somewhere instead of wasting an innocent life!

I waited a day for my emotions to settle a bit before writing this post, hoping that I'd get a better insight into it, but they wouldn't. I don't know it's anger on being human or despair at the helplessness of society or mere unanswered questions that make me share this incident. Yes, my life is still messed up and I still feel I'm the most confused person on this planet and I still have questions. And this incident has intensified it all, just that it broadened the frame of reference from my self centered world.

Fallout

He could feel it precisely, on his skin, between his palm and his cheek. He had unconsciously rubbed his hand over his face, two hours in front of his desktop and he didn't realise. It wasn't the work load or difficulty of the task but was the trust of his boss.
He bent a little to the left to glance at the distant window, half covered with shades, the only source of natural light in that brightly lit room. He knew what was the sensation about. No, it wasn't the wet touch, of the order the window pane might be sensing. Neither did he feel dry and blunt like every other day. It was that moisture on his skin and he could feel it penetrating deeper.
How did it get in here? It was sealed, air conditioned at 20 degrees room or rather entire floor. It had rained heavily and he didn't know for how long. It left its marks everywhere outside but how did it get on his skin. He suddenly felt his pulse rate falling. It got in through some unknown little crevices and sat right on top of his skin. That wasn't just moisture, it was damp, it was stingy. It had crept all the way inside and overpowered everything. How??!!!
He had been caught off guard and he felt naked. Nothing was safe, he wasn't safe. His own might was confronting him now.

Rebirth

They say 'Time flies', but then 'they' are 'THEY'. I feel we give it wings to fly. And I definitely did as is prevalent from my last post here, more than 2 years back. Now, that I had the urge to come here, I felt a bit uneasy with the renovated streets. Seeing my place in the same old paint, I thought of renovating it as well first but gave up. Before painting the walls, I ought to bring it to life - removing the curtains, bringing in the lights.

Earlier I wrote here the poetic and chaotic thoughts that would crop up and the same would continue. I don't expect to get many readers or critics, it was and would now be more of a record of my mental being, the refining of thoughts and development of perspective. Now that I read my old posts here, some come to me as embarrassing while some amaze me at the maturity level. Hiding them under sheets and bringing up a new blog would have been a much safe option but then that would have meant a broken link. And a I prefer life analog way not digital.

I had been thinking of coming back here from past couple of weeks and it was destined to be today. A day that marks birthday of two persons who have influenced my thoughts and refined my writing to a great extent. I owe a lot to both of them in respective fields- my masters- though neither would acknowledge that and laugh it away with humbleness or pull my leg for this write up. I had not planned the rebirth of my blog to this day, it's a beautiful coincidence and the words are flowing so swiftly today- under their stars today... Am I...!!

The two people who won't like their name being mentioned are the most intellectual minds I've met in my ironically small life. What I conclude from the them is that the simple and clear your thoughts are, the deeper you can dive into them and the more you can build up on them. One of them has extremely influenced my musical taste,  I wouldn't be wrong if I say that I have borrowed his taste for music. Having least knowledge of music, everything with good lyrics is good music for me or all that is good for ears is good music for me. And that person has literally built my music taste while the other one has added more to it in a different genre. Both are AVID readers, amazing writers- poets, storytellers, orators and a lot more (writing after so many days limits my dictionary and I feel so sorry for myself). One writes in Hindi and the other is equally affluent in English. They are my standards in this genre that as a kid I thought to be my forte and now aim to reach their mark first.

One of them reintroduced me to writing when I had lost it in 'studies' by asking me to review the works. That is when I found myself again and now that the person maintains a regular blog and unfailingly asks me to review every post, I have been ignoring it over other things. Not that I don't care about the person or am too busy with life but I just didn't do that. The same way that I didn't venture here for two years. I feel bad and even feared losing the faith of that person but intellectual people are too humble and I have been lucky with that.

The other one has been a constant guide for the past three years, literally forcing me to come back here and do the things I love. Again, no reasons why I didn't. The person has not refined my perspective but has made me more acceptable to other perspectives- it says it all I guess.
I can go on and on about them but their intellectual influence prevents me from doing that.
Hope their stars and this day would drive me to keep this place alive.



P.S. : The writer believes in third person narrative and less of first person- not much of a narcissist- and would try to keep up to that from next post.

Forbidden Land

Long shadows walked the dungeons,

Shallow voices and the silence echo,

Familiar was the rotten smell,

Nothing daunted, the thorn was plucked.

The rupture flashed the purple blood,

A gentle touch, layers moved,

Scathed, the territory of the scavenger,

Nothing daunted, light flushed the forbidden land.

MUSIC- A Puzzle

Music, its life for many and soul for some. Some crave for it, some dwell in it. It acts as a refuge for many and a breather for some. One can judge a person on the choice of his music. They say “I choose my music depending upon my mood” but isn’t it the MUSIC that sets the mood. It has the power to change your ‘mood’, to twist a frown into a smile, to bring tears to dry eyes. It can force you to tap your feet in an office room and if not tuned to the correct frequency it can make a ballroom look dull than a conference hall. What is so enchanting about it? Is it the strum of the strings or the beat of the drums? Does the magic lie in the melody of the flute or are the keystrokes at synthesizer mesmerizing? How come a person unaware of the do-re-mi of the song connects to it instantly?

Music, the amalgamation of different notes, each note carrying a different emotion with it, solves all the problems-or so do people think. Is it because of its ability to relax our minds and soothe our heart or simply because it can make one numb! The questions lie unanswered and the code is deciphered by everyone in their own likeness. Yes, the code-the code of music. Music is like a big puzzle which has its pieces spread everywhere- around the universe, and in the universe that exists within us. Every time one finds a piece that fits the puzzle, he picks it up from the outer universe to place it into the inner one. And a few are capable of placing the piece that lies within into the outer universe for others to pick it up; this is what we call production of music. ‘Production’ one calls it but honest view says that it is a part of the puzzle that the person picked up from his inner universe and placed it into the outer universe. And as there is no end to this puzzle which spreads over universe(s), the longing has no end. The more one gets the more deep he falls into it.

The different pieces one chooses for inner universe to fit the puzzle of the music reflects the personality. In simple terms, a person with taste for ‘doom metal’ is viewed as a thinker and one with a dark tone while liking for ‘pop’ projects one as fun element. But then it is not limited only to the genres, it is a puzzle- not predictable, uncertain and possessing many variables. The variables of this puzzle are what we call as ‘mood’ which inclines one towards a particular piece (of the puzzle) for some time and then strangely reverses the inclination, developing distaste for it. This puzzle isn’t bound to singers or lyrics of a particular song; they are mere pieces of this puzzle. It is a puzzle not written anywhere and without any key, one learns and decrypts the codes as he moves into it and with it, sensing it, breathing with it and growing as it unfolds itself. It has no destination and one can take it wherever he moves but in the course and with its growth, it overtakes and guides us through the meadows. How? Puzzle it is…!!!

In The Moment...

It was in that moment of extreme emotion,

those lines gushed into my mind...

It was in that moment of numbness,

I realized the intensity of emotion...

It was in that moment of darkness,

The shackles of numbness caught me...

It was in that moment of light,

The beam of darkness found me...

It was in that moment of realization,

The light seemed out of focus...

It was the moment I met you,

I understood what realization is...

Abate and Abandoned

I am neither here nor there,
But my presence can be felt everywhere.
I am around you when you need me the most,
I am beside you when you feel lost.
Ever wondered why I am so...
It's because I am a lonely soul.
I've given you all that I had,
And I'll be sheltering you wherever I can.
Relations demand selfless giving, that's what they say...
But I'm a human, I too long for your little attention and care...

CALMNESS OF THE BLAZING FIRE

I see the sky sob as rain,
Every drop eloping my tears in its embrace,
Anguish flows out in streams,
But the fire within won’t recede.

I see the sun is burning hell,
Immune to it I’m into an iron cell,
Constructed by my own will, I feel like calmness in this blazing fire,
How can I burn, I’m the ash of my own pyre.

The earth is always stepped upon,
Crushed desires, failed attempts, who’s there to hear me mourn,
Dry blood, open wounds, covered again for another rampage,
Treacherous are my aspirations, dawdling will lies on crest.

I bloom up in the burning hell,
Under the rain I camouflage, adding up another layer.
Cries of agony, muffled by restless soul into a drone,
Such a heavy heart, why do they sound so hollow to my own.

More below the earth than above it,
Different shades of layers have created the crystalline mist,
I see the sea in eternal pain,
Serenity is the attire for your solace.

Crave it and burn the layers,
Waiting for your breakthrough, ash will extinguish drowning into nothingness.

CHANGING TIMES...

The mind machine is working, cutting the silence,
The clattering is too loud right from the time it commenced.
Filled up with joy, sorrows and guilt,
Trying to avoid the chill she takes refuge beneath the quilt.


The two decades of this fog have made her a nobody,
Oh yes! Time is never steady…
But this fog wasn’t there by birth,
Was it the result of some kind of dearth?
Or is it the heart and mind playing the game.


She has always been the loved one in her family.
The bright star-expectations running high on her shoulders,
But then-don’t know when it all started-she got lost among the boulders.
And then came from under the covers-LUCK and it struck!!


She got more than what she expected, joys and laurels were at her feet.
It is not right-she knew deep down within,
Promises she would make to herself-every time she thought it to be “Sin”.
But ah!!.... So “USED TO” she became to it, all the promises went in vain.


It went on and on and so on…..
Until came this dawn…….


This time she knows she’ll fail,
Aware that luck won’t come to help.
It’s high time for her now or else it would be too late.
Loved ones are sick of her carelessness as they want her to excel.


Fun, frolic, carelessness and merriment-this happiness is momentary,
For her, relationships had always been priority.
What do people mean when they say “grow up!!”
But now she knows people will relate to you if you are worth showing up.


Special streak is there in every individual,
Some recognize it early and those who don’t still work for it.
She has always dilly-dallied the TIME,
Making a fool of herself - hoping that the fortune will bring the dime.


She always knew she has it in her,
Discontented she would end up- when in front of others her efforts would blur.
Now she’s going to give “better than the best”,
The fog can be cleared only by her and nobody else.



This one is a collection of weird thoughts...if anyone can relate to them ...please let me know.....

Introspect

Pain...Grief... Sorrow....and "Time"...they share a very intimate relationship....

'Sorrow deepens with time. It etches deep into us with every passing second'.......this is what many of us think...and well...I don't disagree with it completely. People who are in pain due to some recent proceedings tend to say so...the pangs of pain are so strong that they find it never ending. But if we look at things in a more realistic and practical sense... then the truth is that "time is the biggest healer"... it mellows down all the grief. Actually pain can never disappear...only things that are of utmost importance in our life hold the power to bring sorrow, so we cannot forget them...but the grief gets covered by the different layers which are brought by the time.....and its all diluted....and when the old wind blows again....some of those layers are stirred and we feel the pangs of pain again.

For instance...look at the last year terror attacks...we all were terror struck(and still are..)...we sympathized with the sufferers, swore to fight terror (when at first we need to fight the terror inside us...)...and now.... after a few months... its all the same with a little changes here and there...(aah!! changes...!!) ...negotiations are on.... but it's again the time playing the trick...its all mellowing down slowly. But as I said it wont disappear.... it will be stirred if (I hope not) something similar occurs again.... but why is it so. The fact of the facts is "Time cannot be chained"....and since no one can hold it ...no one can prevent the mellowing down too.... but what can be done is making the full of the present .... "PRESENT" it is...meaning "THE GIFT"... why do we just sit and rock our heads in grief... why don't we put the anger that always accompanies the pain (yes...pain and anger are acquaintances.... ) into action.....why do we wait for the time to mellow it down....why??

OK.... look it at a smaller scale....A person fails in a task assigned to him...it may be an official project, a school assignment, a position in the game, or anything.... he may drown himself deep into the ocean of remorse...blame himself or others ..... he may cry, rock his head in disgust....and may give up the job swearing not to get into it again. And so the time covers this pain with different layers.....which get stirred time and again...and so many say..."my past haunts me.... however hard I may try I cannot escape from its clutches..."...and well... we can never escape from anything... light and shadows cannot be separated...the more we try to hide things into shadows..the more is the probability of them coming under light. The best way out is to face them...if the person ,instead of weeping,... analysis himself ,goes through the mistakes he made...and puts all his emotions into action to make sure that he never faces such a situation in future then.... although the intensity of the pain manifolds but this way he is actually preparing a layer much rock solid which cannot be stirred easily time......

Yes.... it is we who decide which layer covers our grieves and most of us end up with covers easily stirred ... Time and life,they always give us an option to choose the layers.... and most of us choose the layers which can be easily stirred.....

What is required of us is introspection.... to analyze ourselves...to judge what we are...what we do... why we do so...to ask questions to ourselves and put our thoughts into actions..... we all have many questions in our minds which are unanswered....

I have always felt that this life is a game...a quest for finding out the answers to various questions......God gave us mind and heart...and made sure that they work synchronously but do always(or 99 out of 100 times) contradict each other....and thus increasing the difficulty level...so although the answers to all the questions are around us...with us....within us... but this duel between mind and heart does the trick.... and the one above is having fun and laughing as we poor earthlings go on round and round in search of the answers when they are with us only!!

It is time to ACT!!

It was just another day for me, as it would be for any engineering student preparing for her semester exams- sick of the books staring at her…oh! Sorry sick of staring at books. After dinner just as I sat in front of my stack, mom shouted “Mumbai was attacked!” “God! Not again! This is getting too much…” this is what I said. My parents too changed the channel after a while, and as for me I thought for some time about the blasts that bombed my city about 7 months back and the series of blasts that followed in different cities and then again went back to my “studies”.

The following morning I went to get the newspaper to begin my day with my favorite cartoon strip-as is my routine-and what I saw was the image of charred Taj’s dome.
My instant reaction- I rushed to my television set and switched it on… and there it was all… the battle was on…The two days that followed left me shocked, disturbed, grieving, wrathful, and don’t know what else .I watched it all-live, happening in front of me, the death toll rising every minute, it was unnerving. I just couldn't concentrate on anything, every now and then I would turn to the TV set. 60 hours!!!!!!!!!! Damn it!!! Hell has been raining out there and here I was sitting in front of my TV set, arguing with my friends and relatives over what everyone knew.



Jaipur, May13, the day when 9 blasts killed over 60 people within a span of 12 minutes… My city was attacked, the innocent blood scattered everywhere, places I have been zillions of times before were scarred…
Then followed blasts in Ahmadabad…Delhi….

5 major attacks in 2008...people like you and me are being killed...FOR NO REASON.We all are aware of the need of action...we feel sorry for the victims, discuss it among friends, we know we got to act...but all that we do is DISCUSS!!!!Sitting in our drawing rooms this is the hottest topic for discussion…isn’t it!! Everybody knows about it , everyone has a different story to tell, different opinions, full of emotions and rage such heated up discussions can be seen everywhere-on every news channel, different celebrities expressing their “opinions” wearing “FIGHT TERROR” t-shirts. Forwarding SMSes, sending mails, joining “Anti-Terror” communities- this is what the youth of India does, and I am no exception too.

For the last one month how much progress have we made, discussions on different issues are on and will continue for I don’t know how long. OK, for a second keep lets these debates aside, look at yourself, do you feel the same rage you felt a month go. Don’t you change the channel when you find this topic of discussion on, saying “Ah! These people have no other work.” True it is!!! We have become numb to it all, humanity is being murdered and here we are sitting and blaming the politicians, demanding for their resignations… oh common! Get a life! We chose them as our representatives, so WE ARE RESPONSIBLE for all that is happening. We call them corrupt, the whole system corrupt, but we make the system, WE ARE THE SYSTEM and the truth is that every one of us is corrupt.Crap!!! We all know the whole system is rotten to the core, then what is the point in blaming! We need a movement – lighting candles or waving placards isn’t the solution.Eye for an eye-this is what is required. Time dilutes the pain-but not this time.



Starting a blog had been in the back of mind for months but I would procrastinate. But this Mumbai massacre has changed me as a person; it struck me deep down within. I know it is now or never, I want to act and I’m ready to lend my hand in all the ways I can, and so I thought my friends would be. Filled with rage as I was- I forwarded all the messages that came to my cell phone with inputs from me and the replies I received were… “Yeah! It is heartening. But what can be done!!” “Oh!! Why are you getting so hyper, chill!!” …. I was hell shocked. The truth is that we have become "used to" these incidents. Here by quoting these I don’t mean that all of us are careless, blasé and wait for the time when one of our relative or friend would be victim and then we’ll act. I know many of you out there share my opinion that IT IS HIGH TIME THAT WE ACT.

I am filled with rage; all these incidents have left me baffled, I want to know your viewpoints. The basic aim for me being here is to assemble the different viewpoints and to come to conclusions, solutions… and then try to put them into action.
So, all those who go through this space... all I want to say is "SPEAK IT OUT....LOUD!!"

THE MIST

Standing on the edge,
Trying to look at the path ahead.

It’s all glittering and gold on one side,
And serenity prevail the other side.

The blaze allures me,
Human nature-hungry for fame-
I go for it.

Alienated-within moments-I feel in this blaze
But the hunger has still not faded away.

Trying to survive, I do all I can
Ultimately, making a fool of myself.

And before it’s too late,
It dawns upon me
Serenity is the call for me.

And I land on the grass,
Growing amongst the pebbles.
Though it’s difficult to walk,
But it’s calm here.

I walk, not a cake-walk
But, with a happy heart.

And when I turn back,
I see the glitterati again.

Here I stand in the mist,
Walking alone without a hint.

Clear the haze ahead,
I have been walking in this haze for too long like a dead….

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The winter breeze blow away the pains,
And let the snowflakes cover sorrow and despair.

Warmify your blood in the Christmas red,
And the white lights up the path ahead.

Rejuvenate the spark in you with the Christmas hues,
The wine shall intoxicate the evil and wipe away all the blues.

Growing amongst the shadows and thorns,
Christ! He will lead you into a new morn.

The stars shining above will provide all the solutions,
Keeping alive the Christmas spirit is the only resolution.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!